I am attempting a three day liquid fast. I cannot trust myself around food and I need something to break my orthorexia/binge/purge/laxative/starvation cycle that I am currently engaged in. If anything, it is making me gain weight with all the nasty side effects of ED and non of the benefits (ie, weight loss).
My stomach today is out of control.
I ate a ‘healthy’ lunch yesterday:
vegan tomato soup (home made)
egg whites and mustard
Then in the evening I decided to take laxatives, binge, purge, take more laxatives, binge and take another handful of laxatives. I was up all night, in and out of the bathroom. Today I am weak, bloated and gassy. I am so tired, that the thought of exercising makes me want to lie down. I know I need to go to yoga and get in the habit of burning calories everyday. Whatever happened to my exercise bulimia? Where did that motivation go?
So far today I have had a vegan protein shake with quinoa milk; matcha and soy milk and 1/3 of a bottle of green juice. I am ravenous but, I am also fat. Two things that I hate to be. Why is this so hard? I just want to starve and be thin. Two states of being I love so much and yet cannot attain.
I had two stupid comments from my not-so-bright roommates in the last twenty-four hours. The first one from the girl roommate who looked in my fridge at all my health food and said; “wow you have a lot of food in your fridge”. She has lived with me for six months and never seen me keep food in my fridge until this week when I went on a health kick. She might as well have just said, “oink, oink.”
Dumb ass comment #2 was made by the boy roommate who, when I responded to his question about being up all night with the lie that I had food poisoning said, “well done! I can see your abs through your shirt.” He too has lived with me for 6 months and hasn’t seemed to cotton on to my weird ED behaviour. I am sure he puts it down to me being a vegetarian/vegan.
I have very little faith that I will keep up a liquid diet for three days. At the very least I hope to keep it up during the day, exercise and then purge whatever (inevitably) I eat at night.