I am out of inspiration today. I danced for 3 hours again. A fat ballerina staring grimly at my reflection, wondering how 20 years of ED has not given me a body that I can accept. I look for bones – I cannot find them. I feel for emptiness – I find flesh. I am devastated. I am distracted by my fat. I cannot focus on life. It consumes me.
I bought clothes in a size 2 today. Still not thin enough. I came home; binged and purged; binged and purged again; took a handful of laxatives and wept.
The mirror will be waiting for me tomorrow.