I Am A Fat Ballerina

I Am A Fat Ballerina

I am out of inspiration today. I danced for 3 hours again. A fat ballerina staring grimly at my reflection, wondering how 20 years of ED has not given me a body that I can accept. I look for bones – I cannot find them. I feel for emptiness – I find flesh. I am devastated. I am distracted by my fat. I cannot focus on life. It consumes me.

I bought clothes in a size 2 today. Still not thin enough. I came home; binged and purged; binged and purged again; took a handful of laxatives and wept.

The mirror will be waiting for me tomorrow.

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8 thoughts on “I Am A Fat Ballerina

  1. loveletters says:

    There is no thin enough. Thin enough is dead. Your ED will never give you a body you accept. Why would it let that happen? Once you accept it, you wouldn’t need it anymore. Take care of yourself. Sending you love ❤

  2. iamthewalkingdead87 says:

    As hard as it is my favourite quote is accept the things i cannot change. 20, 10, 5 years of edis never going to give you what you want. finding quality of life is better than this . you are worth much more.

  3. ohtobe93 says:

    I k ow the cycle oh so we’ll :,( I do feel your pain

  4. aging says:

    There’s certainly a lot to learn about this topic. I really like all of the points you’ve made.

  5. Jane says:

    Hello- my name’s Jane and I’m no stranger to feeling like what you seem to be- like your body will never be good enough for you.
    I had a spinal condition called scoliosis up until last year actually, and it changed the structure of my body until I no longer looked like a normal human- my hips were very misaligned, my ribcage rotated in my chest my one side pushing into my skin far more than the other. not to mention my spine- it looked like a snake crawling up a hill- a disfigured letter ‘s’. the curvature was a whopping 83 degrees and made everyday activities like breathing and walking a challenge.
    I underwent a life-changing surgery in which I was in the hospital for a week, couldn’t walk, sit up, eat or go to the washroom for days on end and fell into depression.
    When I finally managed to pull myself back together again, I took more notice of what my condition left behind- a permanent 12 inch scar all the way down my back. In my eyes I’ll never be normal, or beautiful- I’ll always be scarred and pathetically flawed but now I’m learning to deal with it.
    All I wanted you to know from this, is that there are many, many people out there who feel very similar to you and that you are never alone. I now look at my flaws and think of what it took to get them in the first place and somehow stand where I am today- they are evidence of strength. I’m striving to make peace with how I look and I hope that maybe you can identify with this even vaguely and I wish you the absolute best in finding your own peace.

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