How To Cause A Scene

How To Cause A Scene

Today we went to a fancy restaurant for a friend’s birthday. After days of restricting, purging and laxative abuse, I decided to order a frittata with a side of potatoes and avocado. For some reason I just wanted to treat myself to a meal without caring about calories and fat and how I would get rid of it.

My meal came out without the potatoes and avocado and the waitress apologized for wrongly describing the meal to me. She didn’t however, offer to swap it for something else. The frittata was bland and was served with a limp side of lettuce so I decided (after 2 bites) it wasn’t worth the calories and refused to eat it. My friends looked at me in horror. They tried to coerce me into sending it back and ordering something else, but the lunch had been ruined for me. I am such an all-or-nothing personality – well, at least my ED is – and I just couldn’t be bothered after that. I took it as a sign from God that I didn’t need to eat and that I didn’t deserve a treat after all.

My friends ate their meals with gusto. I watched jealous and enraged as they tossed back pizza and burgers and fries without a second thought. They all ordered dessert which I also refused. I knew they were uncomfortable with my behaviour, but at that point I didn’t care. ED won. Again.

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9 thoughts on “How To Cause A Scene

  1. Melia says:

    You poor dear!!! I totally understand what you mean, all-or-nothing… I get that way after spending a whole week watching what I eat, just to have it blow up in my face when plan on splurging when I go out for a meal and things end up going “wrong”… There have been numerous times in the past few months where if any aspect of my meal is not what I expect it to be, I become silent, get up, and I leave. I will get up and walk out, most times in a rude manner, when in fact I am not a rude person at all. I feel bad for the people who have had to serve me.

    I had a quick question (if you don’t mind me asking!) – I’ve been on the laxative rollercoaster for about a month and half now… I’ve done it before, so I am used to the side effects. However, the past week, I accidentally allowed myself to become too dehydrated and in turn have ballooned up with water retention, which is the complete opposite effect I want with laxatives. Have you ever experienced this?? I have actually eaten less and worked out more because of it, which is surely causing even more of a fluid imbalance (although I have been chugging water for two days and am still waiting for my body to flush itself out).

    Oh, and another comment about your meal… You know what I think is stupid? Is when people expect us to eat a meal even when we can’t enjoy it. If you didn’t like your “frittata”, why should you suffer and waste calories that could be otherwise spent on something you would actually enjoy splurging on??? I’m sure your friends were trying to keep your feelings in mind…. but how frustrating!!!

    Wishing you well, FB.

    Hugs,
    M.

    • Melia says:

      PS: I was out browsing boutiques this past weekend and came across two prints of the main photo you have on your blog (the large ballerina with the dark hair). I’ve literally never seen the image before in my life, besides on your blog. How coincidental!

    • I only found that image when I googled “fat ballerina” and of course I fell in love with it because I feel like I look like that even though I don’t! How funny that you found a print of it. One day if I recover from ED, I will get myself a print to commemorate it!

      As for lunch and scene causing…..I think my friends don’t suffer from ED, so they don’t have any idea why there is no point in wasting calories on a meal you don’t enjoy. I later ate a veggie pannini and quinoa salad and it was worth the calories! I am glad to hear that I am not the only one affected by the let down of a meal that isn’t just quite right!

      In regards to the laxatives…I had terrible water retention this weekend being on the roller coaster ride you describe. I find no matter how hydrated I stay, I always get the rebound effect and bloat. Especially after purging too, I bloat and all my water gain seems to be in my middle and legs – they swell really badly. I believe the medical term is Edema….google it if you haven’t already. It is interesting. My only advice is to take care of your kidneys. I have had a lot of kidney problems due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalances.

      Unfortunately, I think the excess water retention makes us feel more fat and exacerbates the ED cycle 😦 Just keep the water intake up, take electrolytes and I think green tea is gentle enough not to be too diuretic. Keep me posted on how you are feeling! I am rooting for you 🙂

      FB
      xo

  2. I do that too. If I don’t like something the whole meal is ruined for me and I don’t really feel like eating anything else. I’m so paranoid of getting fat and it sucks ass.

    • It is so hard for people to understand that when you finally “allow” yourself to eat, if it isn’t perfect then there is no point in wasting the calories! Sorry you suffer this too. Thanks for sharing your understanding. xo

  3. worschula says:

    it really looks like destiny!the moment you decide you want eat something”normally”(without feeling guilty etc)for once, it turns out to be nothing special…food doesn’t want to cooperate!

    • I always take it as a sign when I am desperate to eat (and for some reason it goes wrong), that it isn’t meant to be. Eating is such an ordeal already that I don’t need anything making it harder!

  4. This makes perfect sense to me. Locking yourself in to a whole meal means it better be worth it. The all-or-nothing mentality is harsh, but safe. I hope your friends are understanding of your process… you deserve their empathy! xoxo, g.

    • I think they do a lot of eye rolling and sighing, but they know that my relationship with food is bad. That doesn’t mean that they excuse my bad behaviour at lunch, but I cannot waste the calories on a meal that isn’t worth it. Thanks for understanding, g. xo FB.

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