So, I’m back on the laxatives. This week I have been so angry at how heavy I am despite starving and puking. I don’t think being off my foot (due to a stress fracture) has helped my weight issues. Tonight I looked at myself naked in a full length mirror. I was horrified. Apart from being heavier, my butt and thighs are so flabby and riddled with cellulite. Any tone that I once had has long since gone. I feel like I can cope with being heavier if I am in good shape and toned, but I am not. I felt crushed. I felt like I was suffocating, like I couldn’t breathe. Instead of just sitting and starving, I started eating. I took a package of laxatives, binged, purged and took more laxatives. I am in a cycle that I can’t get out of. I am spinning, falling, spiraling….
I can’t function during the day because I am so obsessed with what I look like, how much I weigh, what I’m eating, if I will be thinner tomorrow…it is exhausting. Tomorrow I am back to gym and yoga despite my foot problems. I have to do something. Something has got to give.