Set Backs

Set Backs

So, I’m back on the laxatives. This week I have been so angry at how heavy I am despite starving and puking. I don’t think being off my foot (due to a stress fracture) has helped my weight issues. Tonight I looked at myself naked in a full length mirror. I was horrified. Apart from being heavier, my butt and thighs are so flabby and riddled with cellulite. Any tone that I once had has long since gone. I feel like I can cope with being heavier if I am in good shape and toned, but I am not. I felt crushed. I felt like I was suffocating, like I couldn’t breathe. Instead of just sitting and starving, I started eating. I took a package of laxatives, binged, purged and took more laxatives. I am in a cycle that I can’t get out of. I am spinning, falling, spiraling….

I can’t function during the day because I am so obsessed with what I look like, how much I weigh, what I’m eating, if I will be thinner tomorrow…it is exhausting. Tomorrow I am back to gym and yoga despite my foot problems. I have to do something. Something has got to give.

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7 thoughts on “Set Backs

  1. I hate laxatives. So much. And miss them?
    Right now, I’m on a bunch of laxatives because I have a colonoscopy next week and apparently part of the preparation is to binge on laxatives. It’s pretty triggering when I used to have such an addiction to them.

  2. Melia says:

    FB –

    Been there, done that! Oh wait… I AM there, doing that. What’s ridiculous is the more I continuously use laxatives, the more exhausted I feel… but it is so addicting. I know it’s frustrating… I stopped working out for a while and obsessed endlessly about the flab and cellulite and layers of fat… it took me a good month and a half to build muscle tone again, but being patient was worth it. I swear I can eat the same amount of food during my binges and more of it gets burned just by having a bit more muscle – makes all the difference.

    Can you imagine if manufacturers stopped producing laxatives?? I don’t care how damaging they are, or how many times during the night and day its effects interrupt my sleep or routine… What’s ironic is those companies are probably rolling around in piles of cash due to mounting eating disorders!!!

    I hope you (and the rest of us) can find ways of functioning better with these debilitating disorders. BTW, I always get a kick out of the photos you post!


    • M,

      Thanks for your lovely note. I seem to have trouble posting pics sometimes but this laxative one made me laugh……when I am on the loo at 2am and feel like my guts are being ripped out, I think of this picture. They do not taste like candy.

      I am excited to have my motivation back to work out. I tried a clingy dress on today and could see my cellulite through it. Devastating. Not on the same level as real problems (like the 3rd world), but all the same…

      I believe you that having more muscle is just better in general. I think Ex-lax must be making huge money off the boxes of laxatives we make our way through. They should make them available by prescription only to make it harder for us! I completely understand how it disrupts sleep and work and life when you are living on laxatives. I nearly keeled over in ballet class today as I was teaching.

      Anyway, I’m sorry that you are going through this too. I wish you better days ahead.

      Be kind to yourself,

  3. Xanthic says:

    Oh, laxatives. The bane of my life. Managing my IBS-C prescription and my laxative purging is … impossible, quite frankly. So, I oscillate between horrific IBS (being ‘good’ and not abusing the prescription) or laxative bulimia.

    If you’re struggling with loss of tone, why not try recovering through strength training and fitness? Eating to fuel workouts and physically perfecting your body for your job? Worth a try, at any rate? 🙂


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