I am sitting in my favourite river cafe with another migraine. I am almost sure that the cause of the migraine is purging twice yesterday and drinking coffee today. I know I should avoid coffee, but it curbs my appetite, gives me energy and is much lower in calories than anything else hot that I like to drink (other than green tea).
My guilty pleasure today is a bran muffin that I am dissecting like a crazy person. I will eat approximately half of it now and save the other half for later, but it must be eaten in tiny bits. Anyone with ED will understand the ritual of cutting up food and making it last forever.
I have noticed in the last few weeks as I have tried to get back to restricting, that my safe foods list has changed again. For ten days now my safe foods have comprised of the following:
vegan protein powder in quinoa milk
coffee with almond milk
Anything other than that gets purged.
I have two shows this weekend and a graduation dinner and the pressure (from myself) to be thin is overwhelming. I also have to shop for some dresses for the occasion and am dreading my chunky legs in a dress. Right now I have a plan to put some self tanner on as we have not seen a day of summer yet in the great, white north. I know it won’t make me thin but it might make me look just a little bit less fat, white and wobbly. I have five days to lose a bit more weight and am hoping that this new phase will kick start some weight loss.
I had done well up until about March/April when my body revolted against me and started to plateau and then gain back all the weight that I lost on my break up diet. I tried to eat healthier at points but found that the weight gain was too much to cope with, so I revved up my efforts to starve.
On Saturday one of my colleagues said, “you got too thin and we were worried about you.”
Nice comment but all I heard was, “you were thin and now you aren’t.” Which means that I am fat…..again. They don’t understand that I don’t want to be healthy weight and size because it doesn’t work for me. I have often wondered if I changed my profession if it would lessen ED’s grip. Being in ballet for 25 years has had a profound affect on my self image but I don’t want to do anything else with my life. Being surrounded by tiny, teenage bodies with chest bones, thigh gaps and back ribs it very triggering. I wish it wasn’t so but it is. As is teaching in front of mirrors all day, everyday. I get to stare at my thighs that rub together and loathe them with every last ounce of (almost non-existent) energy. I am so, so tired.