I have been ‘feeling’ fat for about 2 months now, since I lost the will to starve and over exercise and returned to ‘healthy’ eating (orthorexia) with a side of bulimia thrown in. My doctor also halved my thyroid medication which I suspect is not helping and might actually be contributing to my weight gain. Tonight I came home after ballet and went on a good binge…..chips, cheese, bread, cream puffs and carrot cake. It has been 5 days since my last binge/purge session which is a record for me lately.
All was well until I stood up and ripped my pants. Imagine my horror when the thigh just split open and my fat came pouring out. Needless to say, I am on my way to ‘bath’ (which is code for purging) and to pay penance for my sins of ripping my (fat) pants which are incidentally a whopping size 4. I have been tired of gaining lately and living with the heaviness that comes from being heavier than I can cope with. Tomorrow I am back in starvation mode without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right thing to do. I took a photo of my ripped pants as my newest thinspiration. Let it haunt me until I am thin again.