Nothing changes. The numbers on the scale will not go down. I restrict during the day. I binge and purge at night. I rinse and repeat the next day. I barely exercise thanks to a fracture in my foot. I have lost most of my motivation to starve unconditionally but I hate how fat I am. My doctor lowers my thyroid medication and I gain weight almost instantly. I cannot bear it.
I come home on a rainy, Thursday night after ballet and I binge. I make guacamole and eat it with a box of crackers. I eat peanut butter on rice cakes. I demolish a tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. I lie on the couch waiting to explode.
I have to go and purge. Part of me wonders why I bother. I will be just as fat tomorrow.