Binge & Purge & Binge & Purge

Binge & Purge & Binge & Purge

Nothing changes. The numbers on the scale will not go down. I restrict during the day. I binge and purge at night. I rinse and repeat the next day. I barely exercise thanks to a fracture in my foot. I have lost most of my motivation to starve unconditionally but I hate how fat I am. My doctor lowers my thyroid medication and I gain weight almost instantly. I cannot bear it.

I come home on a rainy, Thursday night after ballet and I binge. I make guacamole and eat it with a box of crackers. I eat peanut butter on rice cakes. I demolish a tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. I lie on the couch waiting to explode.

I have to go and purge. Part of me wonders why I bother. I will be just as fat tomorrow.

Nothing changes.

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10 thoughts on “Binge & Purge & Binge & Purge

  1. Hugs to you! Do you still have the desire to get out of disorder-land?

  2. Dorian Gray says:

    I know this is an old post, I got here by chance, and I am glad… is my reality too, and I am working to change it. I hope it did for you.

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