I decide in all my ED wisdom to come home and eat 8 slices of toast with peanut butter and honey. No matter how long and hard I try, I cannot purge it. I curse myself for being too stupid to remember that this deadly combination doesn’t come up easily. So, I resort to laxatives. I know that they won’t stop the calories but I need to empty my system as fast as I can. I am dreading waking up tomorrow and seeing my sins staring back at me in the mirror. There is no penance for this.
The last few weeks have been painfully non-descriptive. I restrict during the day. I binge and purge at night. My weight stays the same. I lose the will to exercise. I slip into a state of being constantly overwhelmed by life. Every day is more or less the same. I see no end in sight.
Tonight I uncovered a diary from seven years ago in which I had written that I felt like death was near. There is no mention of how bad my ED is but I can tell from the state I was in that it was out of control. I read the goodbye letters that I wrote for my parents, my two brothers and my (ex) husband. They were suicide notes. There is no denying that. I weep for my twenty-three year old self and then I weep for my thirty year old self. Nothing has changed. I am still in turmoil, inside and out.
Does Your Life Need A Laxative? Dr. Fred's Practical Prescriptions for Happiness by Dr. Fred Broder ... New Outlook Press
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5 thoughts on “Atonement

  1. Oh sweetie. I wish so much that I could sit with you and hold your hand. I hope you are finding beauty is something, even if it is small. Sending love.

  2. Oi! Peanut butter, honey, and bread = stomach glue. -_-
    I’m glad you’re still around and that your life didn’t end 7 years ago. Times (life) can be really hard and overwhelming, but I do think there’s hope for you. I know it in my core. (Don’t ask me to tell you where exactly my core is, I haven’t figured that out yet. Possibly in my spleen.)

    • I’m not sure if you’re saying that the food or cement reminds you of your mother, and if that’s a good thing or a bad thing…
      I used to eat things that I knew wouldn’t come up (or come up well, at least, I was very determined…) but I sometimes still ate them thinking that my super purging skills had increased since the last time.

      • Oh the peanut butter and honey on toast reminds me of my mother… the ultimate comfort food. I guess sometimes I forget that I actually fail at ED on a constant basis and can’t purge bricks!

    • Maybe you’re just eating the wrong bricks.

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