I am sitting in a cafe by the river as the snow falls outside despite the fact that it is ‘Spring’. I am hiding from life in here. I am also in the middle of a binge (what else is new?) and am listening to the girls sitting next to me gossip.
Work is excessively stressful right now and the bad situation there is spiraling out of control. Unless I pack up and move countries, I can’t quit my job which is a hard place to be on a day like today. I am not sure what the future holds for me here but at some point I want to move on either by going home for good or to Australia. That will be a few years away at least so I am praying that a miracle happens in the workplace soon. Right now it is hard to get the motivation to wake up in the morning and go to ballet which has never happened to me before.
Home life is stressful because I have a new roommate and one of my cats is dying of cancer. I can’t go home and binge in front of him because he doesn’t know that I am bulimic. So, I eat out then go home and puke from a “migraine”.
Although it has been four months since I ended my relationship, I am still struggling to come to terms with my break up. It is hard to love the wrong man. I don’t seem to be moving on on letting go and I find myself thinking about him constantly. I wish there was a way to short circuit grief.
I am stressed out about my finances since I decided to buy a condo and also because any spare cash I have, I spend on food. I want to go home for Christmas but that will cost several thousand dollars that I don’t have.
So here is my current binge that I am on:
- 1 scone
- 1 cheese bun
- 1 veggie sandwich and yam fries
- hot chocolate
- apple pie
I am disgusted with myself especially because I have put on weight in the last week. I need to go home and purge but I feel so safe here. I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep. I am so very, very tired that it hurts.