I don’t wonder – I know. I am acutely aware of the amount of calories in any given food or drink. So, why am in a cafe drinking a (skim) matcha latte and eating steel cut oats (which I have no intention of throwing up)? I don’t know either. I left work because I was on the verge of a meltdown. I snapped at a co-worker who has been complaining incessantly about a particular ballet class of mine since January. I couldn’t take it any more and I told her that it was enough. Then I left.
I woke up with a bulimia hang over this morning. I thought I had been hit by a bus when my alarm went off: exhausted, dehydrated, migraine, sore throat and so hungry that I could cry. Nothing new there then.
I find that the further I get into ED, the more I lose the ability to cope with life. This is ironic considering that I use ED as a coping mechanism in the first place. Today I was just so overwhelmed from a culmination of fatigue, hunger, workplace stress and my newest drama – a stalker. I have had a rough three months already. I broke up with my long term boyfriend; I moved houses twice; I slept on a friend’s floor for six weeks; I bought my first condo; I spent Christmas alone, in hospital with complications from ED; I went to Japan for work and I got a restraining order for the latest, greatest, sorry excuse for a man in my life. All of this on top of working six or seven days a week is making it difficult for me to cope. I am always about to cry. Always. I know that I need do something about the situation because it is not sustainable. Ironically, my weight it turns out, is sustainable. I don’t lose an ounce.
I had one break through at work this week where I was asked to write up a policy in regards to the treatment of ED in students at the ballet school. It has finally been put into our handbook and although I don’t expect it to stop ED from running rampant in the studio, it is finally being acknowledged. It made me feel like the awareness is spreading and that I was a part of something that will prevent my students from ending up like me.
I am not sure what the point of this post is except that I know I am not alone with these feelings or with this useless, all consuming disease. I put some peanut butter, shredded coconut, honey and a banana in my oatmeal. It is like a bowl of all my favourite things and it is the kindest thing I have done for myself in months.