Obsessed

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I don’t wonder –  I know. I am acutely aware of the amount of calories in any given food or drink. So, why am in a cafe drinking a (skim) matcha latte and eating steel cut oats (which I have no intention of throwing up)? I don’t know either. I left work because I was on the verge of a meltdown. I snapped at a co-worker who has been complaining incessantly about a particular ballet class of mine since January. I couldn’t take it any more and I told her that it was enough. Then I left.

I woke up with a bulimia hang over this morning. I thought I had been hit by a bus when my alarm went off:  exhausted, dehydrated, migraine, sore throat and so hungry that I could cry. Nothing new there then.

I find that the further I get into ED, the more I lose the ability to cope with life. This is ironic considering that I use ED as a coping mechanism in the first place. Today I was just so overwhelmed from a culmination of fatigue, hunger, workplace stress and my newest drama – a stalker. I have had a rough three months already. I broke up with my long term boyfriend; I moved houses twice; I slept on a friend’s floor for six weeks; I bought my first condo; I spent Christmas alone, in hospital with complications from ED; I went to Japan for work and I got a restraining order for the latest, greatest, sorry excuse for a man in my life. All of this on top of working six or seven days a week is making it difficult for me to cope. I am always about to cry. Always. I know that I need do something about the situation because it is not sustainable. Ironically, my weight it turns out, is sustainable. I don’t lose an ounce.

I had one break through at work this week where I was asked to write up a policy in regards to the treatment of ED in students at the ballet school. It has finally been put into our handbook and although I don’t expect it to stop ED from running rampant in the studio, it is finally being acknowledged. It made me feel like the awareness is spreading and that I was a part of something that will prevent my students from ending up like me.

I am not sure what the point of this post is except that I know I am not alone with these feelings or with this useless, all consuming disease. I put some peanut butter, shredded coconut, honey and a banana in my oatmeal. It is like a bowl of all my favourite things and it is the kindest thing I have done for myself in months.

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4 thoughts on “Obsessed

  1. You are definitely not alone and I really empathise with what you are going through. Why do we respond to stressful and hurtful situations bu then going on to punish ourselves by binging, purging or restricting our most basic and necessary needs. It is so frustrating and such a lonely illness.
    Good that your studio is making some realisations- you’d think that would be common policy by now considering ballet has to be the hottest breeding grounds for ED type thoughts and self criticism- pressure to perform, competition, intense focus on perfection and form and everywhere you look people that you are in competition with.
    Do you have anyone that you can talk to, face to face talk to, about what is going on?
    I always fight against telling someone as I feel ashamed, or not able to, or that I want to keep it private. But when I do tell someone my God it it such a relief to get it out, even if they can’t help, just to share it is good. Not sure how you feel about that- depends on personal situation.
    I really hope you enjoy that oatmeal and it feels ok. x

  2. musingsfortheether says:

    Good for you for looking at the oatmeal as a much needed and deserved treat and act of kindness for yourself 🙂

  3. The Real Cie says:

    We initially use it to control our lives, but then it starts to control us. I know. 😦

  4. Oh sweetie I just want to give you a hug. Try not to analyze the things you do that you know are healthy, just let them be things. xoxo, g.

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