One of the first things that happens to you when you are born and enter this world (after the obligatory slap on the bum to make you cry) is being weighed. Any wonder why some of us have an obsession with weighing ourselves for the rest of our lives? Your weight when you are born is very important. The doctors note it on medical charts. Parents put it on birth announcements. Mothers discuss it all the time.

“How much did your baby weigh?”

“7lbs 6oz, but then he dropped to 6lbs 5oz.”

We know to the ounce or gram how much we weighed when we began our lives. I, for instance, know that I was the heaviest baby out of us three siblings. Why should that bother me now that both my brothers are 6’3″ and weigh about 220lbs each (sheer muscle), and are almost twice my body weight?

I don’t know.

Tonight I binged and purged for the first time in four days. I planned it. I waited for it all day. I barely made it through hot yoga because I was so hungry and so fixated on eating something, anything. I had hoped the last four days of restricting without bingeing, purging or laxatives would have yielded better results but I had no such luck. I have been bloated and have even gained weight while eating egg whites, vegetables and rice crackers. The fat attack got to me. I stared at my puffed up reflection in the studio and lost the will to carry on. It boggles my mind that I can be expanding despite my best efforts to the contrary. I have terrible urges to rekindle my sordid, dysfunctional love affair with my scale. At least that way I will know for sure. No more ‘feeling’ fat. The numbers can just say it for me.

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10 thoughts on “Scales

  1. I actually don’t know how much I weighed at birth, or on what day of the week I was born, or at what time I was born. I do know that I was born in my parents’ home, the only home birth of 7 children.
    I haven’t weighed myself in about a month. I don’t need to, since I go to the doctor so often and they INSIST on weighing me every single time even though I go in every week or every month, depending. (There was one time I refused and I got a lecture from the nurse.)
    I try not to weigh myself at home too often. I find it easy to get back into the habit of weighing every time I’m in the bathroom, and I’m not a fan of being obsessed.

    • I can’t weigh backward. I tried, but curiosity always gets the better of me and I end up asking the doctor, or peeking. Knowing that someone is looking at my weight, but I can’t see it or know what it is, this drives me nuts.

      • I hear you, lady! Funnily enough NOT seeing the numbers is the one thing that I have been good at letting go of. I am not sure how much longer it will last! “Whatever gets you through the day” is my new motto in regards to weird ED behaviour.

  2. Also I think the person in the picture has discovered negative weights because they are clearly floating above the scale.

  3. Greta says:

    The number are crap! Hate those! Despise the scale!
    And there’s no way you gained any weight!From my own experience – I’ve always attempted recovery but what always was setting be back were those damn numbers. I was putting on weigh even having 800 calories per day after the previous purging day. The body holds on anything at those times. And that is water mainly. So please take that into account.

  4. Oh sweetie I’m sorry 😦 Both for the bad feelings that accompany gaining weight, but also for this dilemma about bringing out the scale. I hope you do what is best for YOU. xoxo, g.

    • You’re sweet. I’ve held steady at 17 pounds down for a couple days now… I seem to get stuck in these little ruts of maintaining and then I’ll shed a couple pounds more and then hang out there for awhile… getting used to it 🙂

  5. I’m confused as to what is going on- are you trying to recover but having a relapse? Sometimes you seem really anti-ED then others pro. Maybe it’s juts complicated. My relationship with ED is mucho complex. Love-hate. On-off. It was was a real life relationship it would be brilliant daytime TV.

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