A real anorexic came to yoga tonight. A real, honest-to-God, skin on bones, walking skeleton anorexic came and plonked herself down next to me while I was waiting to get into the studio. It made me realize how ‘normal’ I look. It made me mad. After all these years of starving, bingeing, puking, abusing diet pills and laxatives and over exercising, I don’t look sick. I’m not even remotely skinny. I am, maybe at a push, thin compared to everyone else on the planet.
I made sure I was nowhere near the anorexic in class. I didn’t want to fixate on her bones, muscles and sinews that were so beautifully displayed. I was too jealous to be close too her. Instead, I put my mat as far away from the mirrors as I could and stared at my abysmal reflection. I am too big, too fat, too healthy looking for someone who is so miserably sick. It has haunted me all my life that I have ED but don’t look like I do. This is not a case of me not being able to see myself clearly or of thinking that I am bigger than I really am. It is just the honest truth. The anorexic showed me the stark contrast between us. I know that often many people with ED can be normal weight or even over weight. I just wish it didn’t have to be me. I came home and ate egg whites and lettuce and then thought about puking them back up. Somethings got to give. I want to see my bones every time I look at my reflection. Sad, but devastatingly true.