Letting Go


I am sitting on my ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s couch. His girlfriend and I became friends when we were both dating W and N. She is still dating N and I am 2.5 months into my break up with W. I have not seen him since the day I ended it. It seems like yesterday. It seems like a lifetime ago. She asked me to come over and babysit tonight and I was glad to do it. When I arrived, N opened the door and I felt like I had been stabbed. Every time I see him, I think of W. I think of all the drinks, dinners, nights we spent together with these two. I remember the trips, parties and plans we shared. It is all gone, as if it never even happened.

N hugs me awkwardly and we sit down to eat dinner before they go out for the night – pizza and salad. What an oxymoron. We talk and I joke and avoid eye contact with N. He eventually leaves my girlfriend and I sitting alone to catch up. I tell her that I still cry every day over W.

“That is what happens when you really love someone,” she tells me. “Eventually you will let go. It will diminish in time.”

But it has not. I have diminished. I have got thinner, smaller and broken into a million little pieces. Losing W has diminished me. ED has diminished me. I have not let go of anything except my sanity. I certainly have not let go of W. I carry him with me, in my broken heart. I think of him, love him, remember him and wish him happiness every time I whisper his name. He is always in my thoughts. This man who let me go so, so easily, stays with me even though I chose not to stay with him.

My girlfriend and N leave for the night and I put her child to bed. I read her princess stories and think what a disservice I am doing this child, reading her fairy tales about white knights on horseback, exacerbating the myth that a man will love her forever and she will live happily ever after.

She falls asleep and I go and throw up dinner. I look in the mirror, mascara and vomit smeared across my face. I am purging in my ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s toilet. It seems fitting.

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8 thoughts on “Letting Go

  1. I’m sorry your heart is broken. It’s so hard to move on after loving someone so deeply.

    “I am purging in my ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s toilet. It seems fitting.”
    It probably shouldn’t, but this made me giggle.

  2. Greta says:

    Despite your pain, which I’m very sorry about, you are a damn good writer. You captivate me in your stories and I feel if I’m there with you, in that apartment, in that toilet… and I wish to hold up your hair as you throw up…

  3. Oh sweetie I’m so sorry! This sounds so rough.

  4. Pen says:

    I hate fairytales with a fiery passion.

    I never really know what to say to someone who is sad. I am sorry you are sad. I don’t have nice things to say about men, even though I can’t stop myself from needing them.

    And ohhhhh, the places I have vomited/purged. I feel like that would be a funny list.

    Warm thoughts,

    • Pen says:

      We can make it a weird sort of (hopefully empowering) ED blog meme. List of Purge Sites or something. Heh.

      I’m glad I was able to shed a bit of warmth. I’m trying this whole being actively compassionate thing because it seems to also make me feel warmer towards myself. It’s sort of funny how comforting works that way.

      • Maybe it works a bit like Karma. I love to be kind and compassionate to other people. I like to feed them and take care of them and help them but, I have never managed that with myself and yet I know I have it in me.

        I am all for this new ED blog meme! Maybe it is because I have a sick (haha) sense of humour but sometimes I have to find some humour in how ridiculous ED is and what stupidity I have exhibited because of it!

      • Pen says:

        Oh, I’m that person too. Sick humor is healing sometimes. And I poke fun at all my disorders/issues. It’s better that way. If I do the poking first, then no one else’s poking is that harmful (usually).

      • Pen says:

        Thank you. You too of course 🙂

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