Dying to Live

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“The truth is, I don’t think that you are going to live very long,” he told me last night. He said it just like that. This man pressed all the wrong kinds of buttons and even though I was crying uncontrollably, I asked him to drive me home. “I just want to help you get better. Why are you running away?”

Because the truth hurts. This week I had the same thought about dying – I just won’t admit it to him. I lay writhing in agony after a particularly bad binge that followed on the heels of an insane amount of laxatives being put into my system. My kidneys hurt all the time. My legs cramp. My stomach aches excruciatingly. Suddenly it occurred to me that I might kill myself (unintentionally). I lay in the dark, alone, and wept for home and for my mother. I want so badly to live; to love life; to be free. Dying would be a terrible mistake. It is not at all what I intend to do.

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3 thoughts on “Dying to Live

  1. Mom says:

    You are so much more, than your illness. It is not the essence of you. Try and remember that.

  2. hungryrunninggirl says:

    When you want to live…. you can do it. It’s hard… really fucking hard…. but you can have it if you are ready to fight for it. It will be the toughest thing you can do, and will ever do, but it’s worth it. I don’t know anyone who has regretted it. Nobody will lie and say it’s easy…. but it is worth it. Going into treatment and sticking to it for a month even makes a huge difference.

    • musingsfortheether says:

      “I don’t know anyone who has regretted it.”

      SO TRUE. I fought my way through recovery and even to this day, I think of myself a bit like a former addict, or perhaps a cancer patient that’s currently in remission. ED is a disease/addiction that never just goes away, but you can definitely overcome and control it and keep in the formerly dark corners of your mind. You would never regret recovery. Never.

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