I walked into the ballet studio this morning and my boss said, “you look tired. But not just any kind of tired – exhausted.”
ED is exhausting. It is all consuming. I took a long look in the mirror today and saw the toll that it is taking on me. I look haggard. The puking, starving, laxative abuse and over exercising are starting to show, but not in the way of being thin. Rather they show in the shadows under my eyes, my terrible skin, my hair that falls out and a rather nasty chest infection. My body shows all the signs of breaking down except the one that I keep looking for – bones.
I don’t know how long I can keep this up for. I have had terrible heart palpitations for the last 2 days. I lay on my mat in yoga last night wondering if that was what the beginning of a heart attack felt like. It was unnerving. My heart raced and pounded and felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. That strange sensation has carried on all day today. I took the stairs and doubled over at the top, weak and faint. I went to yoga (again) and trembled. I sat in my chair at ballet staring at my students, too lethargic and weary to stand up and dance.
I came home, ate, puked and swallowed a handful of laxatives. I am doing it to myself, I know. But, I don’t know how to stop. I have never been so tired that I have wanted to sleep forever.