Sick and Tired

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I walked into the ballet studio this morning and my boss said, “you look tired. But not just any kind of tired – exhausted.”

ED is exhausting. It is all consuming. I took a long look in the mirror today and saw the toll that it is taking on me. I look haggard. The puking, starving, laxative abuse and over exercising are starting to show, but not in the way of being thin. Rather they show in the shadows under my eyes, my terrible skin, my hair that falls out and a rather nasty chest infection. My body shows all the signs of breaking down except the one that I keep looking for – bones.

I don’t know how long I can keep this up for. I have had terrible heart palpitations for the last 2 days. I lay on my mat in yoga last night wondering if that was what the beginning of a heart attack felt like. It was unnerving. My heart raced and pounded and felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. That strange sensation has carried on all day today. I took the stairs and doubled over at the top, weak and faint. I went to yoga (again) and trembled. I sat in my chair at ballet staring at my students, too lethargic and weary to stand up and dance.

I came home, ate, puked and swallowed a handful of laxatives. I am doing it to myself, I know. But, I don’t know how to stop. I have never been so tired that I have wanted to sleep forever.

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5 thoughts on “Sick and Tired

  1. kanundra says:

    Hunnie, please go and see a doctor. I know how hard those words are to say, but tell them what is happening to your body. You need a little extra help. You say you want to see ‘bones’ but you may already be there, ED has a nasty way of making you not see them. What others see could be totally different. I hope you find some strength to fight, because your body really will in the end give out. You’ll collapse at work, or pass out in yoga. Then the control may be taken away from you in hospital. Give yourself the power and the control and seek some support. Routing for you. x

  2. Go to the doctor. You say you don’t know how to stop. Well, going to the doctor is that first step to learning how to stop. I guarantee that you wouldn’t even have to say anything. The doctor would take one look at you and know what is going on. You are too sick not too. From what you are describing, you either have to go to the doctor and get help to stop or your body will just give out and stop. Please, go to the doctor.

  3. I can be the third voice here, echoing other commenters and saying that it IS time to see your doctor. Don’t think about it, just do it. Like ripping off a bandaid. You don’t even have to tell them what’s going on, just ask for a physical. Let them check you out. Tell them about the heart palpitations. They can make recommendations for you based on your physical status, not your mental one. Of course, if you want to tell your doc what’s going on, then you absolutely should. Take care of your body; it’s the only one you’ve got and it’s carried you this far. You are resilient! xoxo, g.

  4. Good choice. I hope you follow through with the appointment. Just get there and have the doc do the rest. You are worth it. You are loved. Fight for yourself!

  5. musingsfortheether says:

    I’m so glad to hear that you have taken this step. Don’t focus on the whole picture of recovery, just take this first step. That’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s all I ask for you right now. One day at a time.

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