Eat Your Heart Out.

 

I take 12 extra strength laxatives before bed and a handful of vitamins for good measure. I have followed my usual daily routine of green tea, rice crackers and egg whites all day. I round it up with a hot yoga class, then I come home and binge on salad, cheese strings and cereal before purging it all back up. I spend all day thinking about what I can eat, when I can eat it and how I can get rid of it. I am so distracted by food that it rules my life – the lack of it, the excess of it. My day revolves around calories. I can’t sleep at night because of the excruciating stomach cramps and hourly runs to the toilet. I almost don’t make it through ballet class because I am so badly hung over from bulimia. I get chills. I am dizzy. I have no energy at all.

I refuse dates with men because they all revolve around food. I excuse myself from parties early to go home and puke. I make plans with friends around my obsession with food and exercise. I suggest going for drinks instead of going for dinner. I eat a few lettuce leaves and get the rest ‘to go’. I avoid the staff lounge which is laden with treats and cake every time someone has a birthday.

I have begun to ignore my coworkers concerned comments. Yesterday one of them (let’s call him A), actually put me in his car, drove me to the grocery store and bought me carrots and hummus. He sat in my office and begged me to eat them. I tried to tell him that he was overreacting but he saw through my BS. It is the closest I have come to being force-fed in a long time. I saw an old teaching friend today that I hadn’t seen in a month. “You are so skinny, my dear!” she said. I laughed and told her it was just part of the break up diet. The other teachers rolled their eyes and exchanged looks that I pretended not to notice.

Every day I wake up and look in the mirror to see what damage has been done from my frequent binges. I check my stomach to see if it is flat or even concave. I count bones: hips, clavicles, scapulae, ribs just to see if they are still there. Every night I go to bed with a stomach full of pills, my throat raw and my knuckles scraped. I cannot see what they are talking about. I look the same. I am far too big to look sick. It makes me feel silly that they treat me like there is something wrong with me when I look so normal.

I am in a desperately brutal cycle that I cannot get of. I would love (as always), to get back to pure restricting without the binge/purge/laxative conundrum. I don’t know how though. I am possessed. I am out of control. I am sick.

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4 thoughts on “Eat Your Heart Out.

  1. Shannon says:

    I think we can all relate to that desire to maintain “purity” through restricting. Whenever I go through a period where I feel as though I’ve lost control of my eating, literally all of my energy is directed towards getting it back, and then when (or if) I have, it is directed towards maintaining it out of sheer terror over having it taken away from me again. Needless to say, it’s an absolutely exhausting cycle and I genuinely do hope that you can find peace away from it soon. At the very least, I hope you manage to have a better night tonight!

  2. Greta says:

    Hey lovely, I might not comment here often, but I read, care and getting together my heart after it falls apart to pieces hearing about your struggles. Yup, I wish I could help – if only words and virtual hugs healed…
    Hang on here, girl, to whatever your dream is, things that make you going. A wish. A story. A breath. A smile šŸ˜‰ Sending you millions of those…

  3. “There is a light somewhere. It may not be much light, but it beats the darkness. Be on the watch.” -Charles Bukowski You should read that whole poem, “The Beating Heart” if you haven’t already. It always makes me feel empowered and trusting… trusting that my path is going to lead me to a tunnel and at the end of that tunnel there will be a light. Maybe you’re already in that tunnel. There is always a way out. Just be on the watch. Thinking of you, xoxo g.

  4. I have just read your entire blog. So much of it rings true with my own struggles. I hope the best for you. You are worth more than you know. And you are definitely worth the fight. Dig down and find the strength to fight. You are not alone and have many pulling for you! Keep looking up! It’s the only direction worth going!

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