Treading Water

Like Wine Through Water

Today has passed in a haze of ED. It is so time-consuming. If ever there was a bigger waste of life than ED, I am yet to find it…..maybe snorting crack….but I have never tried that. All my days pass me by in counting calories, exercising, obsessing about what I will eat and when, how I will starve, if I will binge and purge. It is endless. How many hours, days, years have I given to ED?

I was so beyond starvation at ballet today, that I left work in a daze, went to the health food store and started eating. I ate quinoa, pasta, a granola bar, tofu and rice crackers. Carbs seemed to be the order of the day. It was a binge and there is no denying that. I went back to work and sat there; full, fat and disgusted with myself. I vowed not to eat dinner. My coworker who has harassed me ceaselessly about my weight loss picked me up in the hall way in an impromptu pas de deux. “You weigh nothing! You have got to start eating,” he yelled, poking me in the ribs for good measure. The constant refrain I get all the time….’just eat’….. After work I went to a hot yoga class and powered through it with a migraine, imagining how many calories I was burning. It had nothing to do with being zen, or detaching, or being kind to myself. The ballerina in me blitzed that idea.

Despite my vow not to eat dinner, I came home and started stuffing my face: 6 cheese buns and 2 bowls of cereal with Greek yogurt and a glass of wine. It all came straight back up. I finished off my binge/purge cycle with a handful of laxatives because today couldn’t get any shittier if it tried. I have had excruciating migraines for the past 5 days, nonstop. That doesn’t prevent me from bingeing or purging though. I am constantly exhausted. I have no energy. I shake. My hair is falling out in terrifying amounts. I am so immersed in ED that I cannot see the wood for the trees. I cannot focus on anything except treading water right now. And believe it or not, treading water is better than the alternative: drowning.

I wish I could blame this on the man I have been casually seeing for the last ten days. I wish I could say that he is making me feel insecure and is messing with my head but I do that all to myself. I wish I could say that work is stressful (which it is), but that is no excuse for coping this way. I wish I could point the finger at my ex, who pops into my mind almost as frequently as ED and call him the reason for this epic relapse. He broke my heart but I am the one beating myself up over it.

I own this. I own ED and it owns me.

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5 thoughts on “Treading Water

  1. Much love and many prayers to you. If you are treading the water it means you still have fight left in you. May it be there with you to help you through. I wish I could say more… Just know you are loved.

  2. I’m really not in any place to criticize or condone ED behavior… obviously. But I can say that if there is any small voice inside you that wants to hang on to life and get out of this relapse, you should listen to it. Or trust your process, because there could be a light and the end of the tunnel. Either way, I’m sending hope and hugs and energy. xoxo, g.

  3. There is life after ED, and it can be a very good life. You can turn this around. It will not be easy. You will have to work at recovery for the rest of your life more than likely, but it can get better. It can get easier. I know because I am struggling not to go into a full blown relapse now myself, but it is easier to make better decisions now than it used to be for me. YOU are enough. What your body does or does not look like and the number on the scale has nothing to do with the real worth of YOU. You are worth it. You deserve to LIVE. I wish you the strength to realize and accept this.

  4. I’ve always hated the “just eat” comments. Just like “just be happy”. Because depression and eating disorders work that way.

    “I have had excruciating migraines for the past 5 days, nonstop. That doesn’t prevent me from bingeing or purging though.”
    This is what I hate the most. Purging with a migraine is the worst for me. And yet, that never stopped me.

    I hope you’re doing a little better now. I’m cheering for you.

  5. musingsfortheether says:

    You are worth recovery. Your life is precious and it is worth fighting for. Keeping you in my thoughts…

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