Today has passed in a haze of ED. It is so time-consuming. If ever there was a bigger waste of life than ED, I am yet to find it…..maybe snorting crack….but I have never tried that. All my days pass me by in counting calories, exercising, obsessing about what I will eat and when, how I will starve, if I will binge and purge. It is endless. How many hours, days, years have I given to ED?
I was so beyond starvation at ballet today, that I left work in a daze, went to the health food store and started eating. I ate quinoa, pasta, a granola bar, tofu and rice crackers. Carbs seemed to be the order of the day. It was a binge and there is no denying that. I went back to work and sat there; full, fat and disgusted with myself. I vowed not to eat dinner. My coworker who has harassed me ceaselessly about my weight loss picked me up in the hall way in an impromptu pas de deux. “You weigh nothing! You have got to start eating,” he yelled, poking me in the ribs for good measure. The constant refrain I get all the time….’just eat’….. After work I went to a hot yoga class and powered through it with a migraine, imagining how many calories I was burning. It had nothing to do with being zen, or detaching, or being kind to myself. The ballerina in me blitzed that idea.
Despite my vow not to eat dinner, I came home and started stuffing my face: 6 cheese buns and 2 bowls of cereal with Greek yogurt and a glass of wine. It all came straight back up. I finished off my binge/purge cycle with a handful of laxatives because today couldn’t get any shittier if it tried. I have had excruciating migraines for the past 5 days, nonstop. That doesn’t prevent me from bingeing or purging though. I am constantly exhausted. I have no energy. I shake. My hair is falling out in terrifying amounts. I am so immersed in ED that I cannot see the wood for the trees. I cannot focus on anything except treading water right now. And believe it or not, treading water is better than the alternative: drowning.
I wish I could blame this on the man I have been casually seeing for the last ten days. I wish I could say that he is making me feel insecure and is messing with my head but I do that all to myself. I wish I could say that work is stressful (which it is), but that is no excuse for coping this way. I wish I could point the finger at my ex, who pops into my mind almost as frequently as ED and call him the reason for this epic relapse. He broke my heart but I am the one beating myself up over it.
I own this. I own ED and it owns me.