Avoiding the Void

“What size do your fries come in?” I asked, nonchalantly.

“Small, medium, large and shoe box,” came the reply.

“Shoe box, please,” I asked, ignoring the raised eyebrow of the customer next too me.

Some days are a shoe-box-full-of-fries day. The last 6 weeks are a blur to me. I can remember nights by the bottles of wine I drank and the tears I cried, by the binges, purges and breakdowns. Nothing has filled the void that losing my love has caused. Nothing ever will but, tonight I gave into my drug of choice to avoid staring into that void. I have tried keeping busy, working, traveling, socializing, gym, yoga…..the list is endless but it is always there. The emptiness….the silence….the grief. I am haunted. I am broken. I am falling uncontrollably, spiraling down, drifting, lost….

 

 

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One thought on “Avoiding the Void

  1. fairy_wings says:

    Hang in there…. I know exactly how you feel about the weight/meeting criteria etc. I was in exactly the same position and had to lose weight before I could be accepted by the ED service, despite having already lost a significant amount but my BMI was 20… It’s insane that you have to get iller, therefore more locked up in your eating disorder to get help. In the end I went down the therapy route, after a long wait too but I had no support in between either except my GP, but now 18 months later I can sort of almost see a life without all of the limitations of my eating disorde….full recovery, I’m not sure, but a better, brighter, healthier and happier life, yes. It does get easier, really just wanted to offer you support and hugs x x x

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