This time last week I had a boyfriend. I went home at 10:30pm , took his face in my hands and kissed him. “That was our last kiss,” I told him. “I’m done. It’s enough now”.
He shrugged, “ok”.
And that was the end of three years of my life. Over in the blink of an eye, in the space of one kiss, in the half-hearted shrug of his shoulders. I think that was what hurt the most. That he let me go without one word of protest, without a fight, without tears, without a backward glance.
This week I am sleeping on the floor of a friend’s spare bedroom that is piled high with my boxes. It didn’t take long. In about three days I was packed up and moved out with all my worldly possessions. I am 3o years old and this is all I have to show for myself.
“At least you will get skinny on the break up diet,” my misinformed girlfriend tried to console me. Little does she know that there is no such thing as a ‘diet’ in the world of ED. After I broke up with him I didn’t eat for four days. Call it shock, stress, adrenaline or heartbreak. Now a week later I eat everything I can see and throw it all up right after. I drink at least a bottle of wine a night and cry myself to sleep. This break up has thrown ED into overdrive and it is the only coping mechanism that I have. At this point I no longer care if I starve or binge or puke. Whatever it takes to get through the day. A bottle of wine…two bottles of wine….
I left the man that I love because he does not love me.
I have over-analyzed his every move and every word in the last week and it is clear to me: he did not love me enough and I need to move on, but I can’t. Loving someone does not end over night. I want to phone him and see him and touch him and hold him even one last time. We were happy together. We had a great life together. I know that there was a future for us too. He didn’t see that. I could no longer wait for a 32-year-old man to grow up, to deal with his commitment issues, to walk away from his dysfunctional family. I could not longer wait for him to choose me. I had to walk away and in walking away I realized that he didn’t love me enough to stop me from leaving.
ED had reared it’s ugly head. Old friend, companion, comforter. In the loneliness, it is there. In the silence, it speaks. In the darkness it covers me. In the emptiness, it holds me close.