Suffer Continue

In Africa they write captions on the buses. Some are hopeful, some are funny but others are just realistic.  My favourite one is “suffer continue”. It captures the essence of an ailing Africa so well. Sometimes it is my ED motto. Suffer continue.

Every night this week I have gone on a binge and thrown it all up. Pizza, cereal and ice cream on Wednesday. I sat by myself and watched a ballet movie. I shoved slice after slice of pizza down. For no good reason other than this is what I do. I eat healthy during the day. I go to yoga. I ruin it all at night.

I left work last night to go home to the boyfriend who will not marry me. I ate a bag of kale chips in the car. I got home and ate cheese, hummus and crackers, pasta, an ice cream bar and a glass of Baileys. I went upstairs to ‘take a shower’ and threw it all up. I downed an Emergen-C to help me feel better afterwards and climbed into bed with a good novel. My boyfriend and I laughed and cuddled and watched a movie. Neither of us spoke of the bleakness that lies between us.

I keep my discontent to myself. I eat it. My frustrations and doubts are flushed away. Everything that is so tenuous is left to hang precariously. I don’t have the strength anymore to sustain this. So I just let it be.

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2 thoughts on “Suffer Continue

  1. Nataly says:

    Sigh. I wish I had words of comfort or of hope. I know this greyness too well. I hope that you do find the energy to move forwards and make changes that will put you in a place of contentment, if not downright happiness. Thinking of you. xo.

  2. JillinoisRN says:

    Just a thought… is your boyfriend concerned about the bulimia, and feeling that it’s your primary relationship? EDs demand monogamy… as do most guys. :/

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