Life Lessons Learned

 

 

Let’s pretend that my 30th birthday didn’t end with me sobbing in the bathtub with snot and makeup running down my face. Ok, it did but still…..it’s not really how I would like to remember it when I look back on my life one day when I am really old. The day was a disaster from start to finish. I guess, as always, my expectations exceeded the event itself and I was left disappointed and broken-hearted. So, after being 30 for one whole day I have learned this lesson in life: you cannot always have what you want no matter how much you want it.

I have learned that no matter how much I love my boyfriend, it does not matter. He does not love me enough to marry me and that is all there is too it. He gave me a gift at 7am and it was the wrong gift. He bought me a necklace with an elephant on it (I’m from Africa) but the elephant was Indian. He didn’t even notice. He bought me a pair of blue stone earrings that suit his sister’s taste but are not me at all. Tonight he gave me 2 framed prints which I told him 9 months ago I didn’t want framed. I tried all day to practice gratitude and contentment and thankfulness. All day I got madder and madder. What I wanted was to be engaged to this man. What I wanted was a gift that suited my taste and style and that was memorable for turning 30. What I wanted was something that screamed ‘I love you!’ and instead I got a few gifts that said, ‘I don’t know what part of the world you are from’, ‘I didn’t listen when you told me not to frame these’ and ‘here are some earrings that would suit my sister’. I tried so hard not to be the bitch that hated the present from her boyfriend but I failed. I am that bitch.

I wanted to go out to dinner tonight with my fiance. Instead I went out with my boyfriend who took me to a restaurant that he picked despite me telling him which restaurant I wanted to eat at. We went somewhere that barely served vegetarian food. He looked at the menu and said, ” look at all the choices!”. I stared at the menu that was devoid of one ingredient that didn’t resemble a dead carcass. I tried so hard to be content in the moment at dinner and failed. I drank too much wine. I refused a starter and a desert. ED is alive and well after all, let’s not forget. I had already been taken out to lunch by my colleagues for curry and force-fed cheese cake in the staff room afterwards. The last thing I wanted to do was pretend to eat dinner with a smile on my face when the day was disintegrating into a nightmare.

I wanted a fiance who bought me something I wanted. I wanted a fiance who took me to a restaurant I picked. I wanted a fiance who gave me gift that was thoughtful and meaningful. We ended my birthday talking about breaking up instead. He told me that he will not give me a timeline on when he might be ready to marry me and he knows that it is unfair. He admitted that he is asking too much of me and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better. So today I am going to buy myself a birthday gift: diamond earrings that scream ‘I’m worth it!’

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3 thoughts on “Life Lessons Learned

  1. I hope that the rest of year 30 goes better for you. Sounds like you may need more than just a new set of earrings… I think it was perfectly okay to speak up about your needs and desires.
    Blessings ~ Wendy

  2. Nataly says:

    Oh lovely 😦 It is so desperately disappointing when your partner doesn’t listen to you… I hope that the rest of your year is so much better than this one day was. Hope you are over the illness soon too. xo.

  3. lucia0488 says:

    Good for you! (Sorry, I know this is old but I’m just now reading through all your archives, working up to the present.) This is the first time in all your posts I just want to say YOU GO, GIRL! Because you do deserve those diamond earrings (or whatever)! You deserve so much more than this crappy situation you’re in, and I know ED sucks (and EDNOS), I’ve been there. I wish you the very best, and just give me a sec and I will catch up to the present, lol!

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