Limbo Land

Camping turned out to be a disaster and not just because of my food issues. It snowed on us. It rained on us. We packed up and came home early. For the two days we were there, I was in binge mode (minus the purging), and I ate everything I could see. My stomach hurt, ED guilt riddled me and I blew up like a balloon as I pretended to be ‘normal’. Sadly, my boyfriend and I fought all the way home and it ended in a talk about whether to break up or not. In the end we decided to work through our rough patch in the hopes that we can get back to being as happy as we were before.

The last 6 weeks have been rough for us ever since he went back on his promise to be engaged by the end of the year. I am having a hard time forgiving him for that and part of me feels like he doesn’t deserve me waiting around for him to get over his commitment crisis. So, we fought and he basically told me that he wants our relationship to be in limbo right now which means that I am to remove all expectation of him proposing to me or else we break up. Yeah…..right. Hang on while I get right on that, buddy. I don’t work well with ultimatums especially since I have never every threatened him with one.

I shake my head, exasperated. How stupid are men really? I will be 30 in two weeks time and I have no intention of being in a relationship that is in limbo. We move forward or I move out. I am giving him a (generous) time limit of 6 months and then I will, sadly, be done. I have already given him 3 years of my life so I don’t feel that it is unfair expect a commitment from him especially when he tells me he loves me, wants to marry me and wants us to have children (don’t even get me started on the dilemma of ED and pregnancy).

On the subject of being in limbo, I guess maybe that is where ED is right now. All the anxiety over our relationship and work stress in the last 2 months has led to a somewhat major relapse. I am back to purging everyday, sometimes multiple times. Don’t worry though – I haven’t got any thinner. My hypothyroid makes it nearly impossible to lose weight even from starving and purging. I look ‘normal’ (also known as fat). I just don’t know how to recover and cope with life at the same time. I still try on a daily basis to stay on my healthy eating plan (which in reality smacks of orthorexia), but by the evening I am bingeing and purging or outright starving.

The day after our near-breakup, I went to yoga. When I get home my boyfriend asks me why I haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch. I shrug my shoulders.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Just eat,” he replies.

Just eat…..because it is always just that easy. I feel like telling him that if I can’t have an expectation of an engagement then he can’t have an expectation of me eating. Fair trade. After all, if he was that invested in me and my well being, we wouldn’t be in this pickle.

So I starve all that day. We go out to dinner for his sister’s birthday later on and I eat 4 plates of food, 2 ice creams, 2 helpings of birthday cake and 1 cookie. I come home and purge until I spit blood.

“I’d say tonight was a success,” my boyfriend comments as we roll into bed.

“Huge success,” I reply, knowing he will miss the sarcasm. I am in a don’t-give-a-shit mood. For someone who has a girlfriend with a roaring eating disorder he is pretty clueless. Considering he is in the health care profession, it is laughable!

I am fixated on food. At night I can’t sleep from being so hungry. I wander the aisles of grocery stores looking at all the things that I will not eat. I feel like I have a permanent bingeing hangover – exhaustion, migraines, sore throat, stomach aches, raw knuckles. I come home and make vegan soup and vegan peppermint patties. I eat them. I throw them up. I consider my life without this man who used to make me so happy when I still had faith in him. I throw up some more. I go to ballet and I am too tired to focus, to do my job. I go to yoga and I shake with all the effort it takes to exert myself with no energy. I call my mother who is so far away and who has no idea how sick I am. I am in limbo in this country. I don’t know how to be here and I don’t know how to go back home.

I am tired. I am faithless. I am so far gone, there is no turning back.

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One thought on “Limbo Land

  1. jillinois says:

    You are not beyond repair… ❤

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