Lately I have found a lot of excuses to relapse. Excuses, not reasons because there is never a good reason to relapse! The more I analyze the anatomy of a binge/purge cycle, the more I realize that it can be cut off at any point. I am busy doing all this self analysis because I am trying so hard to be recovered everyday. I am also determined to set an example for my ballet students by both preaching and practicing (yikes!) a healthy, balanced lifestyle. I feel like it is my mission to ensure that this generation of dancers have long and happy careers free of eating disorders, self-loathing, injury and poor self esteem. Perhaps I will elaborate on that in another post some day.
Back to the excuses and here they are in no particular order:
- work stress
- relationship stress
- my boyfriend’s step mother force feeding me sticky buns tonight
- size 4 pants not making it past my knees
- general dissatisfaction with my body – too big, not toned enough
- disruption to my healthy eating regime
When I write them out like this they all seem pitiful and weak. There will always be stress in my life (and mine is minimal in the grand scheme of things) and I need to find a better way to deal with it than sticking my fingers down my throat every five minutes. I am determined to get out of my rut this week and back on to my healthy eating plan.
On the plus side I have managed to go to yoga twice this week and then I went on a long walk this evening before I had to face my boyfriend’s step mother’s cooking. She stir fried tofu, veggies and noodles for me; slathered on the soya sauce; made me try 3 types of sticky buns from China Town and smiled the whole time while she was doing it. I know she is well meaning and that it comes from a place of motherly love, but she has no idea the demons I am battling. By that point I was too tired to fight. It was just another excuse to binge and purge today. Tomorrow I will have that lovely hung over feeling from puking: dehydration, kidney pain, a migraine and exhaustion. I must be getting old or maybe my body is allergic to ED these days!