The Size Dilemma

Tonight after work I decided to break my routine of coming home and bingeing and purging. I decided to go to the mall instead and buy some new clothes for work as I am sorely in need of things to wear outside the studio that aren’t sweat pants. I went a little bit crazy in H&M (probably like a binge but with clothes) and grabbed a dress, a skirt, a pair of pants, 3 blouses, 2 blazers and a belt. I can always justify spending money on clothing and I thought I had managed to put several outfits together from these basics making it even more worthwhile.

I didn’t try anything on at the store. The thought of the changing room mirrors and the fluorescent lights bouncing off my cellulite riddled thighs was more than I could stomach. I grabbed everything in a size 4 or a small (which is the size that I wear in every other chain store), gulped as I signed the visa bill and came home proud of myself that I had done something positive for myself.

Disaster struck immediately. I raced upstairs, tipped all the clothes from the bag and put on my highest heels. Nothing fit. Nothing. I wriggled the skirt up like my life depended on it and eventually managed to get the zipper up after I caught my hip fat a few times. I swore like a sailor. I looked like a sausage roll. My flesh was squeezed into the outfit so that it looked like it had been spray painted on my body and had an eerily similar look to cling wrap. I tried the blouses on and they pulled across my bust. The blazers would not button up. The pants did not make it past my knees and no matter how much I blasphemed, nothing changed. The dress was the only thing that fit. Yippee. It was dull and shapeless (which is probably why it fit), and at this point I was so mad that I knew I would return everything tomorrow. Just for good measure I tried the belt on. It didn’t fit because it was so big that it wrapped twice around my waist. At this point I thought I might cry from the irony (?) of everything being too small except the damned belt which was too big.

In a fit of temper I ripped all the clothes off my hideously over-sized body and threw them back in the bag. I stared at my disgusting flesh in the mirror. Two weeks of starving, puking and exercising have done nothing for me. My brain cannot understand it. How can I easily fit a size 4 except in that store and except for today of all days? How can I be this huge despite all my efforts to the contrary? Trying to break the binge/purge cycle by rewarding myself with a shopping spree ended up back firing. I’m sitting here debating several options for the evening now: go for a walk to blow off steam, give in to the urge to eat everything I can see and then throw it up, or cry myself to sleep.

Maybe my self-worth is not defined by the size of my pants, but try explaining that one to ED!

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4 thoughts on “The Size Dilemma

  1. Ug – poor girl. I feel so bad for you. Hang in there girl.

    On a positive note: I would love to hear about your ballet someday. Please?

  2. Tt in nyc says:

    I must comment here!! I am a designer and have to tell you that every single brand has a different size range- a 2 in ralph lauren may be a 0 at gap and a “med” at zara. H and M specifically is a european brand and they have a muchmuchmuch different/smaller size range compared to US based companies. The “4” at h and m is approx to the “0” at gap. Womenswear has no standardization of sizes, and often you will find up to a half size difference between two garments that are the same brand/store/size just due to production issues. I guess my point is, its them. NOT anything to do with you. Dont underestimate the power of retail therapy tho! Lipstick, shoes and jewelry when shopping alone, and clothes when ur with a good friend and in a good mood :).

  3. Alli says:

    Sorry about that last comment! I hit enter right after I typed “Hi!” My name is Alli – I just found your blog and I can totally relate to virtually everything you write about.

    I HAD to comment on this post specifically. H&M has CRAZY sizes. I remember when I went there and a Size 6 didn’t fit me…in tops…and that was before I got breast implants and had a AA cup breasts. I fit an extra small EVERYWHERE ELSE. J.Crew (which runs sort of small), The Gap, you name it…it freaked me out so much! But whenever I go back there, I just grab the 6’s or 8’s and am assured that it’s really like grabbing an extra small and a small. You have NOTHING to worry about. Go to The Gap or another store and try on their small sizes and size 4’s just to get some reassurance if you need it! I’m telling you – I’m not the only one who has had this freak out at H&M! They should really warn American customers, haha!

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