Tonight I gave in and binged. I haven’t binged and purged for a month so it is sad but inevitable at the same time. I came home from ballet starving and exhausted; what’s new? Things at work are so bad right now that I am thinking of resigning and the stress is making me feel unwell. I have had a migraine every day for a week and all I want to do is eat my feelings of frustration, despair and resentment. I did just that tonight.
My boyfriend took me out for Thai food and I grumbled about work for an hour while I stuffed my face with coconut rice, tofu and vegetables. When I had finished my rice, I took my boyfriend’s unfinished bowl and inhaled it. He didn’t say anything but he knew that behaviour was odd. I didn’t make a conscious decision to lose it and binge, but at some point I realized I was dishing up my fourth helping of food and I was too far gone to stop.
Now I’m sitting at home with a bowl of ice cream and Baileys. There is only one place that this is going to end and that is with me throwing up because I couldn’t sit here and accept that I have overeaten and just live with it. I won’t give up over this slip up though. Instead, I will try tomorrow to get back on track as if it never happened rather than letting it be my ticket to a binge-purge-starve cycle. I know I will feel horrible tomorrow, both physically and mentally. Perhaps that will be enough to spur me back to ‘healthy’ eating for another month.