Giving in but not giving up.

Tonight I gave in and binged. I haven’t binged and purged for a month so it is sad but inevitable at the same time. I came home from ballet starving and exhausted; what’s new? Things at work are so bad right now that I am thinking of resigning and the stress is making me feel unwell. I have had a migraine every day for a week and all I want to do is eat my feelings of frustration, despair and resentment. I did just that tonight.

My boyfriend took me out for Thai food and I grumbled about work for an hour while I stuffed my face with coconut rice, tofu and vegetables. When I had finished my rice, I took my boyfriend’s unfinished bowl and inhaled it. He didn’t say anything but he knew that behaviour was odd. I didn’t make a conscious decision to lose it and binge, but at some point I realized I was dishing up my fourth helping of food and I was too far gone to stop.

Now I’m sitting at home with a bowl of ice cream and Baileys. There is only one place that this is going to end and that is with me throwing up because I couldn’t sit here and accept that I have overeaten and just live with it. I won’t give up over this slip up though. Instead, I will try tomorrow to get back on track as if it never happened rather than letting it be my ticket to a binge-purge-starve cycle. I know I will feel horrible tomorrow, both physically and mentally. Perhaps that will be enough to spur me back to ‘healthy’ eating for another month.

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2 thoughts on “Giving in but not giving up.

  1. I’m sorry to hear your work is stressing you out so much. I know the feeling. I have head and back pain every day because of it, but the thought of resigning stresses me out too. Best of luck with everything. Try not to beat yourself up too much about the binging and purging, but finding something that truly soothes you in a healthy way might be a better choice. πŸ™‚

  2. I understand your pain. I have never suffered from that particular affliction, but have had issues with anorexia, over exercising and body dismorphic disorder in the past. I still struggle to this day. Unfortunately for you, you will also likely have this looming in the back of your mind for the rest of your life. However, there is hope. I am much happier now that I have found a healthy balance of diet and exercise.

    I don’t know if you have thought about it, but you may want to seek treatment with a therapist and/or physician who can prescribe you with medication that may help ease the anxiety and stress that you are so under. I, too, have a stressful job and carry the weight of the world on my shoulders at all times. Your eating disorder has a LOT to do without your inability to control your surroundings, so you direct your control issues on the one thing you can – food. I take medication to help with my obsessive behaviors/thoughts and anxiety. I also sought therapy, which was very helpful. You are clearly suffering inside. Your profile picture and description is a little disturbing. Do yourself a favor and talk to someone. If you don’t have someone to talk this out with, feel free to email me. I know what it’s like to have your life revolve around food; it is truly a torturing way to live. If anything – stay strong and keep pushing towards recovery. Being healthy (mind/body) is way better than being thin, starving and sick. Trust me. πŸ™‚

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