I came home from ballet and I was starving for no good reason because despite my fat attack from the camping weekend I have adhered to my ‘healthy’ eating plan in order to try and stabilize. On the drive home I fantasized about stopping at all of my favourite cafes to buy food or even the grocery store. When I got home I spent an hour on pinterest salivating over recipes but I decided to go to sleep rather than act on my urge to binge. Unfortunately, it would not be just one binge but rather it would trigger a whole cycle of binging, purging and starving. I no longer know how to get out of those cycles so I tried my hardest not to give in even though I feel like it is stalking me, waiting just around the corner and might attack at any minute. I am going out with girlfriends for dinner tonight so I ate some veggies and hummus first in order to prevent losing it at dinner and ordering something other than a salad.
I managed to sleep for 2 hours and had some disturbing dreams until my boyfriend called and woke me up. I kicked myself because that was meant to be my exercising time this evening to create a calorie deficit before dinner. Instead, I rested and then ate more. I guess I didn’t binge and purge so that must be counted as a small victory for me. I don’t know how long I will be able to utilize my delay tactics before this gets the better of me.