How to look thin in a wetsuit

My boyfriend and I went camping for the long weekend and it was a dismal disaster in terms of food. I ate like Miss Piggy and am already paying for it in every way imaginable today.

On Friday night we left town late so I ‘missed’ dinner and resorted to eating snap peas and hummus in the car as well as gluten free crackers. At the campsite I managed to drink 2 hot chocolates with Baileys. Baileys..mmmm…I might as well rub lard on my (lard) arse.

The next day I ate bread for the first time in weeks and realized that my dairy/gluten free diet was officially over for the weekend as I pretended to be ‘normal’ and tried to enjoy the weekend with my boyfriend. The man is a saint. He puts up with my eating quirks and remonstrates with me gently every time I have a freak-the-fuck-out-fat-attack. I know it bothers him a lot more than he lets on but no amount of compliments from him make me love the size that I am. On Saturday night we decided to get high (hell, why not?) and luckily for me the only foods in reach to binge on were blueberries, strawberries and dark chocolate. I had packed all the camping food when I was on my ‘healthy eating’ plan. So, after my cheesy, pasta dinner, I stuffed myself with fruit and more baileys and laughed myself silly by the campfire. By the time I went to bed (I mean passed out), I felt as though I was going to explode and all I really wanted to do was hurl up dinner and the regret that went with it to make the nauseated feeling stop.

But, I didn’t.

Cue Sunday. We went whitewater rafting and I had to put on a full body wetsuit because this country is freezing even in the summer. At first I was insulted as I passed through the rows of people handing out wetsuits, splash jackets and helmets. The misinformed guide handed me a medium wetsuit. Medium. The label might as well have read “hello fatty”. Then in the car park I was mortified as I tried to shimmy into it clad only in a bikini with full sun shining directly on my cellulite. I had a horrible thought as I tried to wriggle my rolls into the wetsuit that the medium was too small and that I would have to do the walk of shame to get a larger size with the obese lady beside me who couldn’t do her 4XL wetsuit up.

We went rafting and they served us a snack half way through the expedition – cookies. They might as well have served up crack. As if I would eat those. No, I starved all day as we ran the rapids and rowed my little heart out imagining all the calories that I was burning and then afterwards my boyfriend took me out for dinner. I ate like I had just left a concentration camp. We had bread and butter. We had bread and butter again because one waitress thought we hadn’t been served and brought us another basket of it. We shared soup (the creamy kind) and bruschetta to start then I plowed my way through a vegetable tart (pastry made with fat of some description) and a salad drenched in dressing. After that we shared the chocolate truffle cake which I could have probably inhaled if my boyfriend hadn’t been there. We went back to the campsite and I magically managed to drink more Baileys and sit there like an overstuffed  sausage roll feeling sick and happy all at the same time.

On Monday we packed up and headed back to town. We stopped along the way to hike for 4 hours where I managed to get heat exhaustion and spent the rest of the night in agony. Monday was more of the same bingeing – bread, cheese, dark chocolate, trail mix etc. Every photograph from the trip serves as a reminder as to why I cannot be ‘recovered’ and continue with my ‘healthy eating’ plan. I need to starve, restrict, purge, exercise or pray on my hands and knees to God this week because I will not look like this anymore.

The last photograph of all the ones that I deleted of myself is seared into my mind. It is taken from behind (thanks, boyfriend) and I am very wide. “I look like a tank”, is the thought that comes to mind. There is no amount of hiking or rowing that can burn off a binge weekend and I am living proof. I skipped lunch today and got a soy, matcha latte instead. When I got back to ballet I threw 3/4 of it out. Now I have to go do some working out and find a way to skip dinner too. There is just no other way to win this battle.

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